Autumn has started to pay more attention to the physical differences in people. I’ve wanted to write about this for awhile because a) she’s a girl b) she’s my girl and c) she recently called me “fat” for the first time ever.
I knew this was coming. Once Autumn was introduced to the preschool environment and a much larger pool of different shapes, sizes and ethnicities than she had ever seen before, I knew she’d eventually figure out I’m a pretty big woman. Even though obesity has sort of become the unfortunate norm these days, I’m still the largest parent I’ve seen since we started her at the preschool.
So she called me fat. She said it matter-of-factly in a strictly observational tone and I thought, “Okay, there it is. That wasn’t so bad.” And it really wasn’t. I told her yes, I am fat but that it’s not polite to say that to someone no matter how true it is.
I may let my kid watch too much TV and I may display my temper in front of her a little too often, but one thing I’ve made sure to never do is criticize my appearance in her presence. For one, I don’t want to be responsible for building the foundation of an unhealthy body image. Yes, I am a large woman but repeatedly calling myself such in front of my daughter would be just as damaging as if someone like Heidi Klum did the same thing.
The other thing is that I don’t need, nor do I desire, the kind of validation one seeks when she utters the words “I’m so fat” out loud. There’s really only one way to respond to that statement and that’s why women say it. They want someone to tell them it isn’t true.
But in my case it is true.
I was feeling pretty good about how I handled this thing and I thought the conversation with my daughter had come to its natural conclusion until she said, “Jacob told me, ‘Your mom’s not pretty’ and I got mad at him because you are pretty!”
You should have seen her face. It was as if Jacob had told her Santa Claus wasn’t real. And knowing the kind of kid this Jacob is, he most likely will be the one to detonate that bomb and destroy the innocence of his friends some day.
I have to admit it was awesome to be able see myself through my daughter’s eyes. She thinks I’m beautiful and I couldn’t love her more for that. But there was also this other feeling, this little emotional punch to the gut knowing the Santa Claus killer was out there talking smack about me. How many other kids were telling my daughter the same thing?
Still, I glared at Autumn and said, “Who cares what Jacob thinks? I certainly don’t and you shouldn’t either.” We went on to discuss why people say hurtful things and how it shouldn’t matter as long as we feel good about who we are.
There was a part of me that knew what I was saying was crap. The ideology behind it was true enough, but I know very well what she’s in for in the years ahead. My after-school-special postulating might work now while she’s very young, but eventually the voices of her peers will become louder than mine and she’s going to start picking herself apart.
Maybe that’s why the conversation was that much harder the second time around. Last night it came up again as I was putting Autumn to bed. We were roughhousing a little bit and she said how some day she’ll be strong enough to flip me off her back like I do her. I said, “You’ve got a lot more growing up to do before you’ll be able to do that,” to which she replied, “Yeah, because you’re fat.”
This time I got just a little pissed off because, hell, I’ve lost 60 pounds since October. Why can’t she notice that?
So there we were, launching into another discussion about the delicacy of making remarks about a person’s appearance. It was rough. I found myself stopping and starting, fumbling over my words and trying not to sound like a fool as I again explained how some people might construe the world “fat” as being hurtful.
I think what was so hard about this was that I wanted to explain the negative connotations of calling someone “fat” without implying that being fat is some sort of character flaw.
Because it’s not.
Being fat is not ideal. Being fat is unhealthy. Being fat is unpleasant in many, many ways and can make life very difficult, but it’s not the hallmark of a sub-par human.
Not everyone raises their kids to believe that. I know because I’ve run into many of those kids over the years.
I have no doubt this is going to come up again, and I do hope that eventually Autumn will recognize my weight loss and see it as something positive born out of desire to improve my health rather than a desperate attempt to fit in with the soccer moms and the PTA crowd. But this may be one area in which I’m not great at communicating with her because I haven’t talked to her about the weight loss at all. I haven’t wanted to explain how being fat isn’t healthy, which in turn makes me unhealthy. She’s not a worrier by nature, but four year-olds don’t have the capacity to put things into perspective. Their little minds are completely unboxed and their imaginations have no barriers.
Lately Autumn has taken to telling us she needs to work out. She’ll hang off the chair and do one or two push-ups before collapsing on the floor. This irritates Nathan to no end.
“You’re four years old for cripes sake!” he says. “You don’t need to work out!”
But she sees me work out. She sees me leave and come home a hot mess from my time on the elliptical. She thinks she needs to exercise because I need to exercise. She pays attention and wants to emulate me, so I have actually taken the time to explain that grownups have to exercise because we work all day and don’t get recess anymore.
I hate having to tell her things like that. It makes me feel like the Santa Claus killer.
So how I’m going to end this is by asking for your thoughts. I think I need some other voices to chime in and I’d love to hear how others have addressed the mine field that is body image, self-esteem and teaching our daughters to respect and appreciate physical differences. Sometimes I get the sense it’s all “kill or be killed” out there and that’s not really a world I want to send my kid out into. Some girls are given armor and some are given ammunition.
Others are given boys.
Lucky bitches.
{ 6 comments }
I’m not a parent, but I’m hyper-conscious about how body image is presented to my niece. My mom (her grandma), my sister-in-law (her mother) and sometimes my sisters criticize their bodies in front of her. They are all healthy gorgeous women who can’t help but complain, and it kills me. I don’t want my niece to think that being fit and looking healthy is not good enough, and that is totally the message they’re sending her. I’m always telling them privately how unhealthy it is for a young girl, but it hasn’t stopped.
I don’t know what to do about them, but I will try my hardest to demonstrate healthy body image to my children, and I suspect my tolerance of everyone else’s self-degradation will decrease when my kids are being exposed.
I workout when M is awake often, and we talk about it. We talk about how running helps me get healthy. We talk about how working out is good for you. She tries to do it with me sometimes, and honestly, she is part of the reason I’m running. She saw a road race by our house last fall and wanted to do it, so I figured if she was going to do it, I would do it too. We will eventually run something together.
I sort of disagree with Nathan about her being four and not needing to workout. Though maybe the better word for it is exercise. If you’re lucky enough to grow up active and healthy, you still need to understand that staying that way as an adult takes work. Unless you work for UPS or the Postal Service, most jobs do not involve a lot of activity. I think teaching kids that being healthy takes some effort at a young age is good. You can take it too far, but if you are conscience about how you do it, you can do it right.
As for body image, I think just trying to be objective and honest is the best thing you can do. My mom was always fat, and I knew it, but she never talked bad about herself, she never talked about dieting (she never really did anyways) and when I was older, we talked more about healthy habbits. It took me getting big for me to really put that in to practice. Now that we are both adults, she tells me regularly how proud she is of my progress, and I encourage her to be more active.
Amelia Sprout´s last [type] ..Tessolapod
Shannon, it is unfortunate when healthy, attractive women feel they have to pick themselves apart. While I say I’ve made sure not to criticize my appearance in front of my daughter, in all honesty I can’t claim doing so has been a conscious decision. I’m just not the kind of person to fret about my looks. Neither was my mother. She has always been heavy, but I don’t remember her saying anything about it. I do remember how she never used to wear shorts out in public (she does now) and would never go swimming in the pool with us. She didn’t say it was because she didn’t like the way she looked wearing shorts or a swimsuit, but I suspected as much.
There has always been something I didn’t like or wished I could change about myself. With the exception of the weight, everything else is what it is and there’s no use complaining about it. I can thank my mom for that attitude whether or not she was conscious of making sure she was a good role model.
Keep speaking up. The world needs more aunts like you.
Amelia, I’m not sure why Nathan had such a strong reaction to Autumn saying she needed to work out. I agree with you in that there’s a good way to encourage activity and these next couple of years are going to tell us if Autumn takes after her mom or her dad when it comes to putting on weight. I was right around Autumn’s age when I started gaining weight. Nathan was a skinny kid all through high school. Both my parents and my grandmothers agree that Autumn reminds them more of my brother in terms of “exuberance.” My brother had inexhaustible reserves of energy (he was/is AD/HD) and was thin through the beginning of high school.
Even if she does stay naturally thin, I know we will still need to encourage activity because, hey, even the skinny kids put on a little weight eventually (ahem, Nathan). I love that you hope to start running with M some day. That’s a wonderful goal and I’m hoping to introduce Autumn to some new activities as I become able to participate in them. Last winter winter was a challenge for us because I was still limited with my knee issues (not to mention deathly afraid of stepping outside with ice & snow) and so we found ourselves inside a lot. This year I want to rent some snow shoes, find a lovely spot and enjoy the winter weather for once. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that.
Hugs to you, first of all.
Secondly, this is something I’ve tried to avoid thinking about and it’s damn time that I do it. Shane and I are such jokingly judgmental people that I’m afraid Cambry will think we’re serious and will think it’s okay to say hurtful things to people. I realize it’s a huge character flaw of mine, but it’s a hard one to break.
If there is one thing I could do for my child, I would give her my knowledge of life that I have now. I would let her see that so many trivial things don’t matter and that how a person looks in no way shows their heart and personality. This is such a hard road we’re on, raising girls. I only hope we find what works for us.
Hmm, I have boys. Sorry. But there is the flip side that I will need to teach them to look to the inside (like Meg says) to see the real beauty in a person. Oh how I wish we could have all learned that lesson at a young age!
My mother is a perfect example of someone seeking validation by always saying she’s fat. In no way is she or has she ever been fat. I never even thought of it as wanting validation. How crazy. I have however caught myself denigrating the same body parts (flabby stomach mainly) that she has. I do have a lot more to complain about in that department though. So weird.
Krista´s last [type] ..PSF- Im in So Much Trouble!
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