Regret

I visited Miss Daisy last night at my parents’ house, and all was well until my dad mentioned where he was supposed to be last night; Butte, Montana. Though he is fond of the new pup, my dad is mourning his lost trip. “At my age, it’s pretty much all I have to look forward to,” he said. He resents my mother and me for “destroying” his vacation. I don’t regret doing what I did, but I do regret that my father feels the way he feels. In hindsight, I should have waited to tell him about the dog and let him discover her when he got home.

Though he would never admit it, I think my father regrets acting the way he did. He made the decision to come home. Perhaps he now thinks the decision rash. Maybe I’m just trying to ease my feelings of guilt. Who knows? Dad mentioned that my grandmother (the other grandma that did not go with my mom and me to pick up Daisy) said my mom needed more time to mourn Betsy. “That’s stupid,” I said. “How can grandma know what Mom needs better than Mom?”

So that incident set the tone for the rest of the evening. I’ve been feeling really depressed these past few days, mostly about work-related issues. My best friend at work, Sarah (the creative stamping whiz), is leaving the office for a job at the university’s campus downtown. Sarah’s been with us for two years and has touched us in ways we never even realized until she told us she was leaving. We’re all in mourning. We talk about her as if she’s dead instead of just moving to another campus. Sarah sits across the aisle from me and has been my confidant and “cube buddy” since her first day. She brought me out of myself and made me believe I could have friends at work.

There are other issues-stupid office bullshit that makes women who are grandmothers act like five-year-olds. Sometimes it is a chore to work with other human beings. I try to let it all wash over me by telling myself that I do not work to make friends, just money. Friends make working so much easier, though. I don’t think I would have survived in this office without them.

I cried a lot last night. I cried about Sarah and about my dad’s lost trip. I cried because I don’t want to be my parents. My mom was so wrapped up in her dog that she was lost without a pet. She couldn’t face the thought of being in the room with my father yet still be so alone. My father said a lot when he said his vacations are all he has to look forward to. His life is otherwise empty. I don’t want to be like that when I’m his age. I don’t want to look forward only to what I can give myself and not get joy out of what I already have.