Let me ask you a question. Is it normal for parents to expect their child to hear from her grandfather on her birthday? Even if the child is a three year-old who doesn’t communicate well on the phone anyway, shouldn’t the grandfather who couldn’t be bothered to show up for cake and ice cream Saturday night because it was opening day of deer hunting season at least acknowledge the birth of his fifth and last grandchild?
In case you’re a latecomer to this blog, let me give you a quick primer on our family situation. Nathan’s mother died in early May of last year. Four months later his dad re-married a woman who has children and step-children from her previous two marriages. His dad couldn’t be alone and had lined up a date with this woman before Father’s Day. By July 4th they were engaged and wound up getting married at a University of Michigan game in September. If you want to know how we (or rather I) felt about it at the time you can read about it here, here, here, and here. And also here.
One of our worries when his dad re-married is that Autumn would get the short end of the stick. I mean she already got the shaft when she lost her grandma, but she’s the youngest of the five grandchildren. Given that we live an hour away from Nathan’s dad, we felt she might grow up not knowing her grandpa very well either. Given the new wife’s somewhat large family, we also worried his dad might concentrate on building relationships with the wife’s grandkids and forget about the little three year-old with the brown hair and cute smile who tends to look a whole lot like her daddy did at that age.
It certainly seems like we’re heading in that direction. I can probably count on one hand the number of times we’ve seen his dad this year. We were not expecting him to show up for cake and ice cream Saturday night. We were actually ok with none of his family being there because we’re seeing them on Sunday (along with the wife’s whole brood), but we had hoped he would call. We weren’t really expecting him to, but we had hoped he’d remember all the same. The call was more for us than for Autumn. We needed to know she was important enough to him to make the call, even though getting her to actually talk to him would have been an exercise in futility.
My father was not the most attentive paternal figure during my formative years and I can remember being afraid he’d be an equally aloof grandfather. Nothing could be further from the truth and I am so happy Autumn has a set of grandparents who drink in her existence as though she’s some intoxicating elixir. They watch her on a moment’s notice, shower her with so much love an affection it’s ridiculous and more than compensate for what she’s missing from the other side.
We weren’t asking for much. Just a phone call.
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Unfortunately, all but one set of grandparents my son has are lame. Big time. I guess that happens when their is a history of divorce and said grandparents don’t even like their own kids.
I have adopted the theory that if they want to be a part of his life, they will be. I cannot force it on either them or my son because that would only breed hurt feelings.
Right now it probably hurts your feelings more than it will ever hurt your little girls. I think from now on, take it as it comes. Eventually he will see just what he is missing out on and he’ll have to hope it’s not too late.
I’m sorry it is this way. Have you and your husband ever talked to him and told him how you feel? Could it be that he doesn’t realize that his presence is missed? I am not excusing his actions, I am just wondering if even realizes any of this. Sadly, this is the case in lots of family’s. I wish we had it in our family but sadly it’s not. It’s hard but I have learned to move on and realize that they are the ones missing out. Yes, a phone call would have been nice. I totally get that..sadly, not everyone does.
That sucks. I’m so glad my son(we) don’t have to deal with this. I’m really sad for your daughter though.
I had one set of grandparents that really didn’t care about my brother and I. Just because we happened to live all the way across the country from them and all their other grandkids didn’t… we didn’t matter. It showed and yeah, it definitely hurt my mom more than it hurt us. We don’t care because we never had a relationship with them.
although it does suck in the long run, I now have adopted grandparents (my husband’s) who are amazing!
First – he is a MAN. Men don’t call. It’s the women who do that. If he never called before Grandma died, he isn’t going to do it now. If he never purchased a present before, he’s not going to do it now. My grandfather would never have even thought to pick up the phone. It didn’t mean he didn’t love me dearly, it just meant he didn’t call.
If you want Autumn to have a close relationship with this man, you’ll have to do the work. You’ll have to initiate the call, speak with him and then hand the phone over. Unfortunately, it is what it is.
I have to agree with Ladybug Crossing on this one. My dad and my father-in-law could never get rid of the telephone fast enough when we would call, “Here’s your mother!” Not because they didn’t care, it’s just a man thing. Your father-in-law no doubt is spending more time cultivating his new family and that must hurt you because you miss your mother-in-law. Let me sound like one of those old farts who always pass on unwanted advice now. Men who are happily married tend to remarry sooner than men who aren’t. They miss the companionship and love of the wife they lost, and some men just can’t go it alone. As hard as it is for you to accept this new woman, wouldn’t it be hard if instead, your father-in-law sat in his empty house grieving for years, never rejoining the human race?
Think about how things would be if your father-in-law just couldn’t handle the grief of his loss, and stopped taking care of himself (it happens). Instead of missing that phone call, you would be constantly worrying about him, and you and the other kids would have to share the responsibility of “taking care of Dad” instead of living your own lives. That would be a whole lot harder than making the extra effort to build Autumn’s relationship with her grandpa.
I do know it must be hard to see “Grandpa” with a new family, when you are still mourning Grandma. But in spite of your mourning, you have been able to go on with your normal lives, and after all, that’s what Grandpa is doing too.
Big hugs to you and Nathan and Autumn–it is never easy to lose your mom and grandma. There is no replacement.
I’m so sorry that he didn’t call. As LadyBug Crossing said, he IS a man. But still, he needs to not be such an ass. I know Autumn didn’t care either way, but I’m sorry you guys had to go through that.
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