The other day someone asked me how long I plan to keep writing here. That’s a good question and I’m not sure I have an answer. I suppose I’ll keep the blog going until I’m either out of creative ideas or until I’m a constant embarrassment to my daughter. You know, whichever comes first. Sort of like a new car warranty.
A few times this past year I actually thought about ending it. The blog, that is. I’m not a new mom anymore and wondered how much more mileage I can get out of anecdotes involving my child expelling bodily fluids in public places. I also struggled with issues of privacy, mine and Autumn’s, and wondered how much the internet really needs to know about us.
Then there was an incident a few months ago during which I was outed as a blogger at work. It happened one morning a couple of days after I had written a short, though poorly executed, post about something work-related. A former co-worker with a bug up her butt and nothing better to do had visited the blog the night before, read the post and before I knew it the link to my blog was spreading from computer to computer like a virus.
I received several hits from local IP addresses following that incident, all I suspect belonging to office mates surfing from home. I felt violated somehow because I could tell from their selected readings on the site that they were looking for dirt. It was kind of creepy knowing that people, some of whom I rarely even speak to, were coming here to read up on my life. I didnt’ like it, but I felt silly complaining about the activity because I was the one who chose to put it all out here in the first place.
So I guess that’s the big question. Should I have a reasonable expectation to privacy or have I forfeited it by submitting my life to the online community? Personal blogs like this one don’t offer a service or information of any value. It’s just a running commentary of my life, one that I’m amazed interests anyone, but don’t I have a right to protect it? Is it even possible for me to protect it?
So stop blogging, you say. If you’re so concerned about who reads your blog just say your goodbyes and be done with it, you say. Yeah, I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about all the time I’d free up and how much more sleep I’d get if I wasn’t always writing here. But if I stop writing here I’m pretty sure I’d stop writing altogether because there’s just something about this place, my place, that keeps me coming back. Nathan once told me if I didn’t have the blog I’d go crazy and I can’t disagree with him. This place keeps me sane, so hell yeah I’m going to protect it any way I can.
I’m going to have to wrap this up because it’s getting late, but I’d love to hear what others have to say about the privacy issue. Sometimes I see a password protected post on a blog and wonder why a person would bother posting it at all if it’s not meant for everyone’s eyes. That’s what private journals are for, right? Or not?
Let’s discuss.
{ 18 comments }
Good topic….one I struggle with.
As you know, I only recently started using real names on my blog. It got to hard to use nicknames that we didn’t even use in real life anymore. I was tired of it. But I always worry about Cam’s privacy, both now and in the future.
In another new step, I only recently allowed some friends access to my blog. They had heard about it, but never read it. It’s made me very nervous to have it all out there, as I don’t censor my feelings on my blog. I know that if my parents ever want to read at my blog, there are many things I would need to prepare them for in advance.
Before I end this novel, I wanted to make one more point. During the course of this never-ending debate, someone (I honestly can’t remember who) said that she blogs, not to embarass her children, but to tell things from her perspective. Something for her to read back on and laugh or cry. A way for her to deal with the scary ride that is motherhood. I loved the way she worded it and it made me feel better.
People will always be accused of exploiting their kids, it will just be in a different media. Think of the first baby to be photographed for a newspaper. Or for children of celebrities. Kids on reality shows. Writers. Singers.
The fight will never end. So do what you, personally, think is right. And don’t stop blogging
It is a valid question. In my case, I don’t have children to embarrass, my parents are dead, and my husband is very tolerant of my wacky ways, and he’s not worried about losing his livelihood over anything I may write.
Still, I don’t use my last name, and I don’t get deeply personal. That’s more because it’s my way of operating in general than as a concession to the blog. I only let a few people allllllll the way in.
I pretty much figure that there is no real privacy any more for anyone; even though I don’t use my last name on my blog, I’m sure anyone who is interested could easily track me down. I don’t worry about it as a personal safety issue (maybe I should?).
I have seen bloggers require a password on their blogs, and give it out quite freely, because they seem to be trying to exclude certain people (co-workers, family members, ??). I think people need to find their own boundaries and comfort zone. For quite a while, I didn’t “advertise” to friends and family that I had a blog, but the cat’s out of the bag now, and it’s fine. I wasn’t so much worried about privacy as being embarrassed by my writing, but I’m over it.
I also get what you mean about not writing at all if you don’t write here. I use my blog partly as incentive to keep me writing a little something on a regular basis, to make me accountable in some small way for producing some writing “work.”
After several years of blogging about my personal life, the one thing I’ve learned from all that is that at the end of the day we still have to deal with the consequences of our actions (when we blog about them). There is a way to still maintain some semblance of privacy though and that is to learn how to blog cryptically.
There isn’t much that you can do when people begin to notice your blog, after all, if you write, they will read. That’s what we have to live with. The only thing you can do is turn what you write in a story that’s up for interpretation, one that masks your true intent as well as the individuals you also blog about. That way, you can protect yourself and the people around you from prying eyes. It just takes a while for people to turn that sort of writing into an art form. But it does work and when it comes together, it can be beautiful on its own terms.
I started a blog a few years ago, mostly for myself because I wanted a creative outlet, but also for my friends. At the time it seemed like everyone had a blog and we had a little post-college blog ring going on. After a while my friends’ blogs lost steam, but mine jut kept getting more and more popular. It was a shocking day when my PARENTS discovered my blog, but they thought it was hysterical and showed it to all of their friends and it just got more popular.
However, I stopped blogging when my work life and my personal life started to collide. At the time I was a teacher. One day after I said something or other, one of my students announced in front of the whole class that if she had said that her parents would spank her. If she had been a little girl I wouldn’t have given it a second thought, but this girl was 17 – practically an adult! I felt disturbed by her comment, and blogged about it (but didn’t use her name). Someone who I don’t even know, who wasn’t even in the class that day, read my blog and called that family and asked if that was their daughter (How they knew that their 17 year old daughter was the one getting spanked I don’t want to know!). Then the family called the principle of the school. Then the principle of the school called my MOTHER and read, out loud to her over the phone, every thing I had EVER said on my blog that the principle found objectionable. EVERYTHING. Like every time I had ever said my mom cleans the house too much. Or the times I joked about combining my husband’s last name with my last name into something ridiculous because we wanted to be “progressive.” Or every bad word I had ever said. And then I got a hysterical call from my mother about my blog and how could I say all those things??
And then I deleted my blog. And then I quit that job, because I was clearly working with crazy people. But I felt SO mortified that my personal musings had been used against me like that, and so angry. I really felt dirty and violated in some way. On the one hand, duh, I was putting that stuff out there on the internet for the whole world to see. Why wouldn’t or shouldn’t that happen? On the other hand, I felt mortified that the-spanking-family, judgey-judge mutual acquaintance, and judgemental-paranoid-principal-with-stick-up-rear, and my MOTHER, had all passed such obvious and violent judgment against me over what I had considered to be some light fun and musings on my day to day grind.
So anyway, all I can say is, I guess we both got minorly dooced. It sucks to be outed at work. But it could have been worse! I had very mixed emotions when I deleted my blog – I felt really relieved, because I was uncomfortable that different spheres of my world were colliding. However, I was also SO sad. I missed writing so much, and though I tried to start some new, more discreet blogs, I never really had the steam to carry it through.
Meg-Isn’t it funny how we’re more nervous about people we actually know reading the blog than we are about strangers reading it? My oldest friend knows about the blog but I have no idea if she has ever read it. I’ve discussed my relationship with her here a couple of times and talked about her family, but there’s a part of me that’s content with her staying away. As for my parents, I gave my dad the URL to the blog way back when it was over at Blogger and he never visited. I haven’t pushed the issue because I think he likes to remain happily ignorant about what makes me tick
I also like what you quoted about this being my point of view on things and to not worry about embarrassing my kid. I’ve actually thought what a wonderful gift all this writing will be for Autumn when she gets older. It’s going to be interesting to see if or how all these parenting blogs will shape our relationships with our kids in later years. They’ll be able to gain insight into our psyches that our parents never provided!
Kathie-I agree with you on setting boundaries. I try not to blog about work anymore, but I spend most of my waking hours in the office. It’s a big part of my life, albeit an unpleasant part, and sometimes it helps me to come here to try to sort out my feelings about the place like I did last week. I’ve found that it’s best for me to do it that way, discuss my feelings rather than specifics about the office that others would be able to recognize. That’s what got me into trouble before.
Edrei-I once read an interview with Heather Armstrong (Dooce) in which she said she learned the hard way not to blog anything she wouldn’t be comfortable saying in front of her family. If you’ve read the blog you’ll realize her family must have very few boundaries, but it’s still a good rule to live (and blog) by. I think we sometimes feel insulated here because we’re not facing our audience, but people do read and they do get offended. I’ve been on the giving end and the receiving end of an ill thought-out blog post. It’s not fun on either end.
Rebecca-I’m so sorry you felt like you had to delete your blog, but I can see why you did it. At some point it gets frustrating knowing there are those out there looking for a reason to attack. A blog can give them some good ammunition if we’re not careful.
It sounds like you struggled with the same feelings I have; indignation and violation at your words being used against you and embarrassment for putting them out there in the first place. My experience wasn’t as extreme as yours, but I was left feeling violated all the same. I actually wound up blocking a bunch of IP addresses from work and from the local visitors I suspected were office mates surfing from home. Interest at work seems to have died down for now, but I still get nervous when I see a local IP address reading back through my archives.
So here’s an interesting take on this subject: my family and friends know about my blog and don’t read it! In fact, it’s become rather irksome that when getting together with family I’ll start to recount an amusing incident and think; hey, I posted that whole story on the blog, they should already know about it and have seen the pictures! But no, they don’t read it. Ironically, the one person from my real life who did stumble upon my blog and then proceed to read it constrantly is my ex-huband’s new wife! You know I got lots of writing opportunities out of that.
Well, when I started my blog it was simply to keep far flung family and friends in the loop so I’ve never had any ideas that what I was writing wasn’t been read by those I know. So basically I self censor everything. That said, I did later start a completely anonymous blog where I could just vent. It helps every now and then! But of course I don’t get much feedback on it either.
If that’s the case, then at the end of the day I feel as if the whole point of blogging is lost altogether. There were times in which my family and I have come to blows about what I blog and how I do it, but at the end, the freedom in which I express myself on my blog is something far more cherished than simply a means of writing.
My blog as become the friend in which I share my inner most thoughts and feelings to. Some things I cannot bear to part regardless of what people think and say. While there are responsibilities that come with it, such as future employment prospects as well as other more private family matters, that relies on common sense to guide what should be written. The rest is a matter of perspective, both by how feel towards what people think about you and what people actually think about as they read what you write.
So at the end of the day, with regards to the consequences in mind, I write what I cannot say in front of family or friends, because there is no one in the world I can share it with. I share it with the people willing to listen if not, the only medium willing to take it in, my blog.
I’ve wanted to throw in the towel, yesterday in fact. But I am lucky that I have self moderation in place knowing that everyone important in my life already reads what I write so there’s never the fear of offending someone.
However I have had to keep myself seriously in check with stories about my kid. This will be around forever, and I want her to know I didn’t tell stories that weren’t mine to tell.
I have too many friends living in the computer to stop. Too many opportunities have come from it to stop.
I too would go crazy without it.
But the urge is still there.
Casey-I, too, have formed so many wonderful relationships through the blog that it’s hard to think of giving that up. The relationships would remain, but I’d somehow feel as though I was out of the loop and not contributing as I should be, you know? I’m having fun now. This is work, yet it’s not and as long as I’m inspired to keep posting here I guess I will.
As for my daughter, I know at some point her stories will not be mine to tell. I don’t write about her nearly as much as I did in the beginning, but yeah, this blog might be out here for who knows how long and will she want her prom date reading about how she peed all over her daddy at Payless? My guess is no. I don’t look at my three year-old and see the young lady she will be some day. Maybe I should.
Edrei-I completely understand what you’re saying. Our blogs should be a safe haven for us to say what we can’t say to our friends and relatives, and as long as we keep in mind who is reading we should also be able to accept the consequences.
My uncle once wrote unkind things about me and my family on his blog and it was upsetting, so my approach here is to try not to do the same. Sometimes I hammer out a post in the heat of the moment when I really feel the need to get something off my chest or I paint an unflattering picture of a family member under the guise of humor. It’s hard to know where to draw the line sometimes.
As for the very personal stuff I can’t share with anyone, I save it for my offline private journals.
I think we all at some point struggle with this issue. My own solution to it was to keep my family blog as a place where my family and friends can visit without embarrassing my family. It sometimes makes it harder to come up with a “safe topic” to write about, but it’s worth it. I also started a “personal” blog, under an assumed identity, where I can really voice my thoughts about what’s going on in my life. My husband knows about this blog, as he’s often the topic of conversation on it, but he’s the only local person whom knows about it. I know this solution isn’t the right one for everybody, but it sure does help me stay sane, having a place to vent without fear of retribution from my family and friends.
Krista-I also started my blog to keep those far-away friends and family in the loop. Now I don’t think any of them read anymore.
I’ve also thought about starting an anonymous blog where I could just vent about work. There’s so much material there I should probably re-visit that idea.
SAHM-my family doesn’t read either. My brother got a little fed up with me last year and stopped reading because I kept deleting his comments (he has a particular way with words). My mother has heard of the internet but only visits with a tour guide and my dad keeps “forgetting” this is out here. Oh well.
Wow – what timing! I just wrote about this the other day.
I personally feel that if you put it out there, and are OK with everyone reading it, then you really have to imagine that EVERYONE may be reading it. Whether you feel as though what you say has a deep meaning or not is irrelevant – everything has value, whether a ridiculous poop story or a “why are we here?” diatribe.
I keep writing, fully knowing that my days of baby woes *may* be over. (Please, Lord, NO!!!) I fully expect that what I write about will evolve, or at the very least change. But no matter what I “say” on my blog my writing has improved. I’ve honed skills valuable to me and become a real writer. Writing online isn’t exactly the medium I ever thought I’d use but its real none-the-less.
I suspect you’ll find the same. And as far as those “just a bit too personal” things like gripes about work? Well, those are the posts I write at great length and then never publish. Its therapeutic just to get it all out. Just make sure you delete them after awhile – it’d be awful to accidentally publish the wrong post later on!
I say stick with it — I think blogging is a good medium that’s just now evolving into something more mainstream.
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